and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
