God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
