I accidentally had phone sex last night
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize