Swine flu. Run for my life!
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
