Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
