Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
