bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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