you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
