I think im going to throw up on grandma
His hands were made for my vagina.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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