It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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