I'm so fucking centered right now
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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