Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
