Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
