some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
