Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
