she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
