the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
