If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
