Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
