I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
