theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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