FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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