My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Randomize
