OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
