you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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