we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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