i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
