I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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