the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
We smell like vodka and hangover
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