On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
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