i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
