First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
