I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
