Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
