Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
