just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
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