I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
you made out with another girl for some wings
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
