Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
