I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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