I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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