be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
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