I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
