in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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