Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Randomize
