He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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