lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
