for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
