420 ftw
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
