I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I love you. Go after that dick
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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