I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
You dont lie about slip and slides
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
