Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Randomize
